Fiesty Baby!!

My mom and I went to the NICU yesterday to deliver milk and visit Jaxson. He had been experiencing lots of A's and B's through the night and that morning. Again, to be expected, but none the less upsetting.

The NICU Roller Coaster ride from Hell in a Handbasket.

Jamie, his nurse for the day seemed a little uneasy, which made me uneasy. Sometimes I get the feeling that they aren't telling me everything. Then, I realize that my hormones are surging and raging and that I'm being paranoid. The feeling of helplessness is constantly there, like a dull headache that just won't go away. I would prefer a sharp, intense stab that comes all at once.

Jamie removed Jaxson's "headgear" so we could see his face. He usually has on his "sunglasses" to protect his eyes from the bilirubin* lamp.

Jaxson got pretty annoyed when Jamie started moving him around. He most likely overstimulated. He started to cry. It was the sweetest, cutest, saddest thing I've ever heard. He was really ticked off!! He fussed for a while. I had mixed emotions about it. On one hand, I loved hearing his tiny little voice and on the other, I knew he wasn't happy and that made me feel all the more helpless. My natural instinct is to pick up my child and hold him until he feels better. I can't do that and it kills me!

Jamie explained that they actually like to see the babies get riled up and move around...It's a really good sign that they are not getting sick. The babies who just lie there and do not respond to stimulation are usually the ones who are picking up or have an infection. This made me feel better and proud of Jaxson because he is doing all of the things the nurses and Dr.'s WANT him to do! He never ceases to impress me...really. He is a fighter.

I put my hands in his incubator and he grabbed my finger with his tiny hand and gripped it until his little nuckles turned white. I wonder if he knows it's me. I wonder if it is comforting to him. I wonder if he hears my voice and recognizes it as familiar. I wonder about lots of things that I don't have answers for.

I do know this: My baby is so damn cute!!!!! I adore him. I can't help but visualize him here at home, doing all those cool baby things that babies do. Experiencing all of his firsts with him and showing him how it's done. When he comes home, I'm going to pretend that his being in the NICU was the equivalent to his still growing in my belly.

*Bilirubin Yellow chemical that is a normal waste product from the breakdown of hemoglobin and other similar body components. The placenta clears bilirubin from the fetus's blood, but after delivery this task belongs to the infant. It usually takes a week or more for the newborn's liver to adjust to its new workload. When bilirubin accumulates, it makes the skin and eyes look yellow, a condition called jaundice.

Much Love,

Sheree